Who She Was
by Seven-years-ago
Summary: Ten years after spreading Tris' ashes, Tobias finds himself still utterly in love with her, even after all these years. A one-shot about Tris in Tobias' eyes.


_Ten years after the spreading of her ashes..._

I sit on the balcony as the sun sinks in the evening sky, silently watching the shadows creep up on the roads I've long called home. The streets and buildings I sometimes wish I could leave behind, but I know I will never be able to. Years have passed and still I think of her, the first time I saw her, a swish of gray, a frail thing that fell into the net, right to the last memories I have of her, her blonde hair and strength unmatched by anyone. Twelve years have passed, my Dauntless days still long behind me and try as I might they are always there, people always reminding me of them, every passing conversation. I wish I could leave this city.

I sip the bitter alcohol from the tumbler in my hand, watching the waning sunlight refract through the amber liquid. I try to put those memories out of reach, recounting the last few years, lonely and painful however successful they have been. Voted a leader of this city, this new 'free' Chicago, helping the needy as I know she would have, working day and night to rebuild this city and retain the always fragile peace, striving everyday to please the girl I lost. I know she would be proud, of those things at least.

She startles me as she grabs the tumbler from my hand, her dark eyes frowning at me as she sets my amber solace aside. I feel myself internally cringe as she flips her hair over her shoulder and sits tentatively on the edge of the seat next to me. This was their idea - Cara, Zeke, Christina, Amar - they thought it was time I move on and try again 'Tris would have wanted you to be happy.' They would say time and time again. But I know Tris, and I remember her jealousy so much I could picture it now, remembering how she reacted to Nita. This didn't feel right.

'Forced' was a light way of putting this new relationship into words. Just over two months, two months of skipping or leaving early nearly every date we ever had and yet here Lena sat. I couldn't bring myself to look at her for much longer than it took for her to take the drink at set it aside. "I think we need to talk." She informs me.

I raise my eyebrows and motion for her to continue, still staring out at the quickly fading sun as I do so, this doesn't make her happy. "Who is she?" She demands, her voice dripping with venom, I frown.

"Who?" I respond.

"The other girl!" I see her hands fly up as she shouts it and I turn to look at her.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I assure her, but she won't have any of it, because she's ready to jump down my throat as soon as I respond.

"Don't play dumb with me Tobias!" the way she says it reminds me of my father and I look away from her again. I find myself chewing the inside of my cheek, my tongue tracing the old scars that line them, but she continues even with my continued lack of interest. Why is she still here?

"I told Zeke I would give you a chance, but this is just ridiculous!" ah, so that was why. "I know you're seeing someone else! You say her name in your sleep." I freeze at her comment, wondering when she has ever been around while I slept in this pathetic two months. "You fell asleep on the couch last night, you kept saying her name over and over again."

I searched my brain, trying to scrape together some sort of recollection of what I might have been dreaming but I come up blank. I am intrigued to hear what she has to say and frightened at the same time, but I don't respond. She's shouting now, "I'm going to find out who she is and I'm going to confront her, you can be damn sure of that!"

"There is no other girl." I repeat, 'trust me,' I think, 'I don't even want one relationship, let alone two' but I don't dare say anything.

"Well then, I'll just go find _Tris_ and then you can tell us both there is no other girl!" I stand now, feeling the anger rising, I grab my drink and head inside without saying anything, how dare she. My face is already warm from the alcohol, and I know I'm flushed when she follows me inside. "Who is she?!" She shouts again.

"She is who you never will be!" I finally shout back, the dams I had built over the years came crashing down and everything came flowing out. "She accepted me at face value and she fixed me!" I could feel tears beginning to well up and I urged myself not to cry. "She helped me understand what it was to love unconditionally. She helped make me who I am!" I feel as if the alcohol is a truth serum, the words rolling off my tongue effortlessly. "She was my world, she is my world."

"How dare you! I will find her and I will destroy her, teach her not to step in on someone's relationship!" Lena is angry, her cheeks red and her voice shrill but I don't care right now, and I'm not sure I will later. I wonder if something is wrong with me.

I can't help but laugh as I swig down the last of the amber liquid and empty the last mouthfuls into the tumbler. "You wouldn't stand a chance." I say and I can't help but be proud. "She would out fight you any day, she's got a fire that's hard to put out. Plus she's stubborn as hell." I know, I trained her myself. Those memories come flooding back to me, and as I speak about her, I feel myself begin to brighten. I can picture her, her blonde hair and gray-blue eyes staring up at me, as I push her hair away from her face. "She's intelligent, and she's beautiful and she's everything I ever wanted." I state calmly and I look at Lena, her jaw has dropped and her hand comes across my face and I nearly laugh because I've endured much more than that. I quickly down the tumbler and rest it on the table, a little more forcefully than I anticipated.

"I'm going to find her right now!" she shrieks, and my world comes crashing back down.

"She saved me from what I was becoming, and then she broke me." Why did she have to break me? Why couldn't she have sent the traitorous Caleb in? I know why and it's for the same reason I know she would have done the same for me, but it doesn't hurt any less. "She left me here and sometimes I think it's the most selfish thing she could have ever done." I began to sink to my knees, too wrapped up in my freshly opened sorrows to notice that Zeke now stood there too.

"Shit..." He mutters, before rushing over. I try to shrug him off but the alcohol is setting in and I feel terrible, Tris would be disappointed.

"Don't help him, the cheating jerk just admitted to it." Zeke looks at her and shakes his head, motioning her to stop, as if it would make things worse. She scoffs at him and continues to yell, most of which I can't make out, but fragmented pieces of insults.

"How dare you!" I finally shout back at her. "You have no idea who she is!" Zeke supports my stumbling weight to my bed, where he allows me to fall onto it. I plunk my face directly into my pillow and scream, angry and sad and unsure how to feel even after all these years. Zeke pats me on the back, his attention is quickly drawn away by the screaming Lena I want nothing to do with. He turns to deal with her but before he does he turns to me.

"I'm sorry." He says quietly, "I didn't tell her. I thought - I just thought, I don't know..." And with that he leaves.

My head lays near the edge of my pillow and I stare up at Tris, her blonde smiling picture looks back at me. I think back to her fearlessness and can't help but wonder why I can't do the same. If she was here everything would be so different, maybe we'd have kids maybe we wouldn't be living here, maybe we would have explored the rest of the world. I reach for the frame, my fingers wrapping around the familiar shape. I rest a finger on her face, unconsciously rubbing her cheek and I feel myself begin to drift off with my Tris, smiling, happy and strong staring back at me. I dream of all of the adventures we would have, and for the first time in a long time, I am happy.


End file.
